Articles - Training, Development and Retention

Sometimes you just do, don’t you?

   “Say that one more time and I’ll send you to the moon.”

   “Miss another meeting and you’re dead meat!”

   “You may think that’s cute. I think it’s childish. Grow up.”

You may not say these things, but they do run through the mind. They are the kinds of things that get your shoulders up around your earlobes by the end of the workday and send you scurrying for an over-priced coffee drink just to keep going. There are other solutions.

First, we need some practical things to simply do for ourselves on these occasions—without saying anything to the other person. You may think this is next to impossible, but try it!

I once married a man who was a calm, delightful man, bright, warm, caring. Soon after the wedding, I learned his big secret. He snored in that bring-the-house-down-and-calm-the-neighborhood-cats fashion. Really, the walls shook three rooms away. What to do? One solution would have been to have the marriage anulled, another to move to separate houses. Neither was an option, so, I learned something. I could take my attention away from his snoring and not be bothered by it. Do you think that was easy? It was easier than it sounds. (Of course, having written a book with the title, “What You Pay Attention to Expands”, I was bound and determined to overcome this difficulty.)

If he had been hurting anyone or impeding progress or was incompetent, another solution might have been the first to try. We’ll discuss those in a later article. Turning my attention to thoughts of vacations, goals, love, or fantasy, I no longer heard the snoring. It did take some practice. And, it worked. Sometimes, we just let people bother us too much and we take no responsibility for our own thoughts and attitudes. It is often easier to blame than to look within for answers.

Are you focusing on a co-worker’s issues when you could be looking at your own? We humans like to look outside of ourselves for reasons we are unhappy. We want SOMEONE to blame. It couldn’t possibly be us! The most effective thought is to look within first.

Is there something I am doing that is setting this person off? You know how to push someone’s buttons, don’t you? Many folks master this very early in life and they just keep practicing. What’s in it for you? You can always make someone wrong and things seldom change. You always have something to moan or whine about. Therefore, you can always be miserable…and you are choosing it. This is sheer lunacy!

Am I communicating clearly? We’ve been carefully taught to be nice. Often that means that we do not communicate clearly. We are subtle, indirect or silent. Nothing will change if you cannot communicate well. If you happen to be a truly passive person, you may be hoping someone else will handle difficult people. Meanwhile, you are creating an ulcer. You must learn to be assertive. We all need to. Assertive, but, not aggressive.

Am I teaching people how to treat me? If someone speaks to me in a way I find offensive, and I don’t say anything, I’ve just told them it is all right with me. Sure, the first time, you want to give someone the benefit of the doubt. Maybe they are having a bad day. The second time, though, speak up. It is not necessary to get really fancy with the words. Simple is good.

     “When I hear racist jokes, I feel very uncomfortable because, even though they can be humorous, they are at someone’s expense. What would work for me is that we agree that you’ll warn me before you tell one so that I can move away, or, you resist the urge to tell them around me. Would you agree to that? I would really appreciate it.” (This is one of my pet peeves, so, I take care of it right away!)

Isn’t that a better solution than squirming, judging or silently sending daggers in their direction? Taking care of business like this is empowering. You’ll notice in the example above that I did not make the other person wrong. I spoke about my feelings and what would work for me. Then, I asked for agreement. I took care of business.

So, next time you want to whack someone up side the head, take a deep breath and use one of these strategies. You’ll find many more in my book, Wrestling Rhinos: Conquering Conflict in the Wilds of Work. It’s a jungle out there sometimes. Be prepared.

BIOGRAPHY

Rhoberta Shaler, PhD, is a peace catalyst.ࠓhe makes it easier to talk about difficult things. Founder of Sow Peace™ International, she focuses on empowering individuals, leaders and teams with solutions and skills that get to the heart of communication, conflict and conscious collaboration.ࠁ popular keynote speaker, Dr. Shaler has shared her light-hearted approach and value-packed content with audiences, teams and readers for more than twenty-five years. Author of over two dozen books and audio programs, including her most recent books, Wrestling Rhinos: Conquering Conflict in the Wilds of Work and Soul Solitude: Taking Time for Our Souls to Catch Up, Dr. Shaler teaches people to express themselves in ways that are totally kind and totally honest at the same time. That sows peace. Trained as a psychologist and professional mediator, she shares her insights through her blog at http://SowPeace.com

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